Losing a loved one is a very painful experience. We were reminded of this very poignantly this past week watching the funeral of Ronald Regan. Normally, I am not one to enjoy watching televised funerals, but having recently buried my mother in law, I was rather drawn to observing the details of this funeral. I decided to write a newsletter on the mechanics of saying the final goodbye.....

It is truly overwhelming to even describe the amount of detail and decision making that is required when planning a funeral - especially if the family members have avoided any conversation on this topic. For some reason, people are almost superstitious when it comes to talking about their own mortality. I am amazed at how many children of aging parents that  I have talked to, that have never broached this topic with their parent, and feel extremely uncomfortable in even bringing it up. Talking about death does not have to be morbid or emotional. It is truly a gift for a parent or aging loved one to share their final wishes with their families when they are living. It is also really practical. Funeral costs now range from$1500 (for a  basic cremation) to over $15,000 for a traditional burial service. Thinking and planning ahead can save literally thousands of dollars. If the aged loved one is not comfortable talking to their children about their wishes, it may be very helpful for them to complete a questionnaire and keep it in their safety deposit box or file it with their will. These types of tools are readily available on the internet or at any funeral home, and can be really invaluable for the children planning the event at the time of death.

Most questionnaires will have a list of “nuts and bolts” items that are going to be required in order to complete a death certificate. These questions include:

1. Full name of the deceased
2. Full names of the deceased’s parents - including mother’s maiden name
3. Deceased’s date and place of birth (including city, state, county, province, etc.)
4. Deceased’s social security number
5. Deceased’s usual occupation
6. Details of military service (branch of service, years of active duty, discharge date, highest rank achieved.)
7. Highest educational level completed
8. Place of disposition

I was amazed at how many of these details I didn’t know about my mother in law. Since she was a step mother to my ex-husband, this information was not passed along. She was also born in Germany - with the details of her birthplace dying with her. We were never able to determine her mother’s full name or maiden name, even though there was always a picture of her mother at her bedside.   I was really devastated that she died without this information being shared.....

The next level of detail will involve the type of funeral the deceased wants. This is where the decision making can move you to insanity - especially when you are deep in grief trying to do this.   The types of details to consider are:

1. Cremation or burial?  Embalming?
2. Memorial Service? Viewing?
   1. Where will it be (church vs. chapel)
   2. Who will officiate?  Who will give Eulogy?
   3. How big will the attendance be? Seating arrangements?
   4. Memorial leaflets (color, design, typeset, verse, etc.)
   5. Writing the obituary
   6. Flowers?
   7. Special rituals?
   8. Memory board? (Display of deceased in happy times....)
      1. Open vs. closed casket?  Display of urn?
      2. Timing of things (viewing right before service or night before

Most families are unaware that the deceased is often NOT embalmed at the local funeral home as it was in the past. Frequently, the body is sent to a central “processing area” where the body is prepared (cremated or embalmed) for burial. Once the processing is completed, the body is sent to the funeral home chosen for the services requested. Details that may be requested by the processing people are:

1. What clothing  will the deceased be wearing?
2. How should the hair look? Is there a particular hair dresser preferred? (A picture is really helpful)
3. Dentures in or out?
4. Glasses on or off?
5. Jewelry to be worn?
6. Items to be buried with the deceased? (favored bibles, trinkets, etc.)
7. What portion of  the deceased will be viewed?  (usually top half, but some are full casket)
8. What type of casket? (wood, metal, laminate, etc.) Tempo ray container for cremation?
9. What color inside lining of the casket?
10. How should the hands be folded?  Will the deceased be holding something? (flower, Bible)

Yet more decisions abound before the last goodbye....

1. Picking out the plot, mausoleum, or above ground vault
2. Choosing a marker
3. How to go about shipping the body to a distant place for burial
4. The vault (keeps the ground from sinking at the burial site)
5. Graveside service? Military Honors?
6. Family present at lowering of casket?
7. Opening / closing of the grave
8. Limousine and hearse use
9. Pall bearers
10. Disposition of ashes/ urn from cremation
11. What to do with the deceased’s cherished pet that is left behind

Fortunately for all of us, there is a professional to guide us through the maze:  the Funeral Director. This professional is able to grief counsel while keeping families moving through the process. They also act as ushers , pall bearers, bouncers, ministers, and greeters. They can troubleshoot issues that arise so that no one is the wiser and the production moves on. A good Funeral Director can also help people save some money by suggesting ways to cut costs without losing dignity in the funeral service itself. The Funeral Director’s services don’t come cheap, but this is an area that can be negotiated to some extent as well.

There are several areas where the family can save significant amounts of money:

1. Buy a cheaper casket. Visually, the laminate casket looks pretty close to solid wood, but is about $1500 less in price. Caskets don’t have to be ordered via the funeral home. There are outside casket vendors available that offer substantial discounts and direct delivery to the funeral home.
2. Caskets can also be rented. If the deceased wants a viewing, but plans for cremation, the viewing can be set up in a rented casket, and the cremation can be done with a cheap container.
3. Price out florists. One stop shopping is tempting, but you can save significant dollars by ordering flowers through a florist vs. the funeral home....
4. Order the cheaper leaflets. People really don’t care if the paper is parchment.
5. Skip the thank you notes. You can purchase these anywhere.
6. Bring in CD music to play vs. paying for live music /organist

PRE-PAY for the funeral. Advance planning enables you to price out options and set a plan in place without a time crunch. Going to various funeral homes and getting their price lists can be a real eye opener. Just like buying a new car, the various add on charges can run the gambit - and are fully negotiable. Who wants to negotiate when you are burying your mother?  Doing this sort of thing when you aren’t emotionally unstable and  under the gun can really save money. You don’t have to get everything under one roof - and you have plenty of  time to make decisions without pressure. You can get estimates by fax - which will eliminate sales calls- but still give you an idea of the cost.

Be sure to enlist the help of others when you are making arrangements. Have close family /friends of the deceased assist with phone calling and thank you note writing. People usually feel better when they are actually given something constructive to do and are more than happy to do it. This can help when grief overwhelms you and organizational skills go to pot. These same people are often helpful in emptying / cleaning out a home after a death. Disposing of personal possessions can be very painful. Families have a tendency to want to do this quickly after a death, thinking that getting rid of the reminders will ease the pain. It doesn’t work!  Lock things up for a while and do this task when it becomes therapeutic and a way to honor the deceased. Otherwise, you will probably dispose of something of great sentimental value in the rush to complete the task.

Recognize that grief affects different people differently. SEEK HELP if the grief is overwhelming. Counseling can do wonders and there are medications that can “get you over the hump”. Remember that  crying is part of saying the final goodbye.......

For more information on Medicaid planning and filing assistance, contact:

Elder Advocates Incorporated | 407.898.9080 | www.elderadv.com